I love boobs. Seriously. If I’ve met you in person I have guessed your bra size in my head. Because I love boobs!

I think women in general spend a ton of time focusing on our body flaws. So much that we forget to love the good parts. Boobs are amazing! And no matter their size, shape, or age you should treat them right, damn it!

It’s time to buy a properly fitting, amazing bra. Mine are shipped in from Poland because I (and my sister) have been in “extreme” sizes since senior year of high school.

There are many things to discuss about proper sizing. The first step is admitting you have a problem. If you believed the Victoria’s Secret girl when she told you that you are a 36B but you’re a size 2, you’re in trouble. So let’s get started.

First, you need to learn your real band size. When a guy buys pants, he measures his waist (by that I mean he eyeballs his waist size) and gets pants that are the size of his actual waist. Crazy, right?!? Thirty four inch waist, thirty four inch pants. When girls buy bras, we have been foolishly following the “plus four” rule. Thirty two inch bust, thirty six inch bra. Wha??? You need the band to hug your body to support those fabulous boobs! So let’s throw out that concept! You need to match your bra size to your chest size. It might feel tight for a bit. Those boobs have been tumbling around in your bra like shoes in a dryer for too long! It’s going to take some time to get used to the restoration of order.

Next, we deal with our cup size. We’ve been doing this by measuring where our boobs rest on our body unsupported. But we want them to be lifted! Otherwise, why would we bother ourselves with these medieval torture devices, a.k.a. poorly fitting bras? So we must measure them in the lifted position. What they don’t tell you at bra stores is that improperly fitting bras can hold your whole boob, but they do it in a horrible position. So a 38C holds the same AMOUNT of boob as a 36D or 34DD, but in a very different way. Trust me, you’re pretty much going to shock yourself with this move. You are going to feel like a harlot having your boobs at attention like that. Just remember, you are embracing the awesome that are boobs!

Lastly, we need to get our WHOLE boob in the bra. “But I do have my whole boob in my bra,” you say. LIES! There is such a thing as migrated breast tissue. Which is basically when your boobs have been shoved into weird positions, usually the sides of your bra, for so long they got stuck that way. Like when your mom told you not to make “that face.” But for real. With boobs. Never fear! It can migrate back where it belongs. In this instance, you must accept that the extra two cup sizes you just measured for are actually there. I promise you they are. You’ve just been shoving them out to the sides of your bra for so long you forgot they were boobs and not back fat.

So here’s how you’re going to measure for your new bra.
(1) Take a soft tape measure directly underneath your boobs. You may have to lift them up, but get to the root of the boob! This number is your band size. If you buy the Polish bras you need to exhale all the way and pull it tight, then breathe in and leave it just resting there. Then you plug those numbers into the handy calculator. Since bands come in even numbers, you may have to try the rounded up and rounded down sizes to get the best fit. Write that measurement down. For example, 32.75″ will be written as 32/34.

(2) Bend over at the waist. Make your back parallel with the ground. Now you are seeing your boobs in what will be their lifted position. Take the soft tape gently around your nipples and take the measurement while keeping the tape even. Don’t let it sling down to your butt. Keep it straight! Then, write down this measurement. Let’s call it 39″ for our example.

At this point you have the data to start your bra math. Here’s how you determine your cup size. For every inch more than your band size you are, add a cup size. So a 40″ band and 43″ cup means band +3. Therefore, 40C. Keep in mind that when you go higher, the US and UK cup sizes are different.

**US vs. UK
+1) A = A
+2) B = B
+3) C = C
+4) D = D
+5) DD = DD
+6) DDD = E
+7) G = F
+8) H = FF
+9) I = G
+10) J = GG
+11) K = H
+12) L = HH

Some helpful bra-fitting tips: Always make sure the middle part of the underwire is resting on you chest, not your boobs. This part is called the “center gore.” It helps you separate and define your boobs. Because of migrated breast tissue, you will need to “swoop and scoop” your boobs into the cups. Put the band on around your middle, bend over at the waist, shimmy the band up to the root of your boob, then start pulling tissue in from under your armpits into the cup. The cup will fill up! Then slip the straps over your shoulders to hold the position.

Using our previous data, this means Example-girl (she has the power to enlighten you) has a 32.75″ band + ~6. So our friendly super hero is a 32(or 34)DDD in US sizing, or a 32E in UK sizing. If you are lucky enough to be a size that is available in retail shops, try several variations of the bra. If your boobs are completely encased but the band is too tight, try the next band size up plus one cup size down. Example-girl could only get one finger underneath the band and she needs two fingers for comfort, but the amount of boob coverage is right. She will try on a 34DD next. Ahhhhh, perfection! Example-girl is stoked! Also, her boobs look awesome. She is going home to burn her 38C bras today!

You know you want to be like Example-girl. Love your boobs, ladies! I’m ready to love them with you!

Be boobalicious, friends.

MM