Friends, I have a gruesome fable to share. Some of you may not last long reading this for fear that you may faint. I understand. Many have reacted the same way. I bear news of a sorrowful story of three desperately wronged children and the crusade of all around them to save them from the clutches of their evil parents.

On any given day in this household the children are expected to…mother of mercy help me… walk while indoors. Their oppressors force these desperate souls to say “ma’am” and “sir.” These wretched dictators go so far as to deny the children the pleasure of sweet confections if they do not consume the entirety of their supper. They are denied multiple servings of said treats even when they do comply with such senseless demands. “Tooth decay” and “upset stomach” stand named as the culprits, but I say the true culprit is treachery against childhood!

Unbelievably, not one…not ONE, I say, of these children is properly equipped with an iPad, iPhone, nor even an iPod. Oh! The humanity! The eldest will be entering third grade! Such atrocities cannot stand!

These fascists dare to demand an utter lack of screaming indoors. And yelling is forbidden as well! The blasphemy in which these “parents” engage knows no bounds. Children may never be expected to display self-control under any circumstances. It is a well-known fact. To leave yelling and running for outdoor play only will undeniably crush their tiny spirits to the point of no return.

And the myriad of chores assigned to them… You will cringe to hear them named. They are responsible to not only brush their teeth, but use floss as well. To heap insult upon injury, mouthwash must complete the torture. If they make a mess, you will not believe who is expected to pick it up. They are! The sweet, poor children. Who cleans their bathrooms you might ask? They do! Their rooms? They do! Children? Indentured servants more like!

These desperate beings have even been denied conveyance to a local center of recreational activity for offenses as small as hitting, name-calling, and refusing to do assigned work. The depravity of their keepers flows from an endless font.

These wards of the wicked find themselves saddled with a bedtime. They are doomed to find no joy, no JOY, I say! How can a child truly enjoy the freedom of summer vacation without staying up until morning? How can they know true happiness without the unbroken overnight use of electronic devices? They are allowed a mere two hours a day to engage in the sacred act of submitting to a comatose state in front of an absurdly tiny 42 inch screen. And not even an LED screen at that.

I will have you know, good friends, that these children are expected to WORK for money rather than have it flow freely from the hand of parent to child. Can you understand the anguish they must endure when they have not saved for an item and must put off its purchase until they have toiled for the sake of its procurement? I weep for their agony.

These juvenile slaves have had their youth stripped from them by brutes too cruel to care for them! They say they must “teach” them about “work”, “respect”, “reciprocity”. But I say what about permissiveness, entitlement, and greed? How will this god-forsaken environment teach them that?

Save them! Take up the cry that is shouted all around these vile beasts who call themselves parents! Save them! Save them! Save them! Do it for the children!